Sunday, July 10, 2011

Out of Darkness

I don't know why it's hard to admit when I feel sad.  I don't like to say I'm feeling down or discouraged or depressed.  I think I run from those feelings because of my family's health history.  I know that Jesus has set me free and I will not suffer from bipolar as my momma did....He showed me that promise years ago (He has made me a new creation and healed me!!).  I guess when I have any negative feelings my mind starts the downward spiral and I start to doubt His promises.  What if I do end up unable to in my bed and leaving my children to fend for themselves-what if I do end up like my mom??? That is a big lie that the enemy uses in my life when I have negative emotions.

So...I'm admitting it...I have been in darkness off and on for a few weeks.  It's so hard because it seems like it's over and then is comes back! I spend time with my healer and feel the joy of His presence and then life happens and I feel like I'm on that negative spiral AGAIN!  I end up feeling condemned for my thoughts and emotions ...especially if there's 'nothing wrong'-when life looks good and there is not something I can blame  for my emotions. I have to remember that Jesus said we will have trouble in this world (John 16:33) so I don't need to condemn myself for my feelings and emotions...just deal with them as they come.  If I remember the second part of the verse-to take heart because He has overcome the world-then I will remember that He will get me through these negative emotions.

According to Psalm 139, it doesn't do me any good to try to ignore or deny the feelings of darkness, He knows.  I don't have to hide from God or try to be happy in my own power-God already knows what I am thinking and feeling.  I can be honest with Him and face the darkness because He is LIGHT!!
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
Psalm 139:12

You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light.
Psalm 18:28

Do not gloat over me, my enemy!
Though I have fallen, I will rise.
Though I sit in darkness,
the LORD will be my light.
Micah 7:8

I read the chapter about negative emotions in Stormie Omartian's book Praying Through the Deeper Issues of Marriage.  It talks about the feelings of being disconnected and distant and the habit of focusing on the negative side of things.  This chapter also has some great Bible verses that really spoke to me about this darkness. This quote explains how I've felt:
You can still have the light of the Lord Within you and yet have the darkness of oppression settle on you and invade your life like an enemy encroaching on the territory of your being.  (A few pages later) Negative emotions are not something you have to live with.  In fact, you must do whatever is necessary to get rid of them.  They not only hurt you, they hurt your spouse and children as well.  God has given you a way out of them thought the power of prayer, praise, His Word, His presence, and His love.
I have seen the truth of Stormie's words that it hurts others.  I have noticed that when I am feeling down and thinking negatively-I'm usually focused on myself.  If I'm only thinking about myself, I am not able to be a good friend or pay attention to the needs of others.  I think this is one reason the enemy wants to keep me feeling darkness. 

Do not hand over the life of your dove to wild beasts;
do not forget the lives of your afflicted people forever.
Have regard for your covenant,
because haunts of violence fill the dark places of the land.
Do not let the oppressed retreat in disgrace;
may the poor and needy praise your name.
Psalm 74:20-21

I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
Psalm 34:45-5

He is calling me out of darkness!!! He answers me...I will look to him and be radiant, not full of shame!! Thank You Jesus!!!!

There is so much I've learned in the last few weeks (in fact I've been working on this post for almost a week now).  I think I will find time to continue this week blogging about light and  some other verses that have helped when I've been down.  Thanks for reading:)

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